I Have Too Much Hate in my Heart. There is no Room for Jesus.
TRIGGER WARNING: Mental, Physical, and Sexual Abuse
I have too much hate in my heart. There is no room for Jesus.
TRIGGER WARNING: Mental, physical, and sexual abuse
“I have too much hate in my heart. There is no room for Jesus.” I am ashamed to say I spoke these words and meant them.
My Story
Let me back up. It might bring some insight if you still need to read my story. It is Uncover My Account In The Journey Of My Life. I also wrote a personal testimony at Salt + Sparrow titled “Finding my Rock in the Lord” I am going to sort of recap here, though.
After I was married, I started to have very disturbing nightmares. As the dreams progressed, I remembered that a close family member had mentally, physically, and sexually abused me.
This abuse continued from a very young age throughout my teen years until I was 20 years old and gave birth to my son. That is the extremely short version.
A Bright Spot
My childhood had some bright spots to it. The time I spent with my Grandparents are times I remember and cherish.
My Grandpa was a minister when I was young, and he taught everyone he came across that Jesus loved them. He witnessed to people in the grocery stores! He would beam when talking about God, and you could see his love for Jesus in every word he spoke.
I shared his passion throughout most of my life until I turned away and shut God from my life.
Hate in my heart
After I remembered the abuse, my heart hardened, and I was filled with hate and extremely angry at what life had handed me. I felt like I was garbage and undeserving of love to be truthful.
I can not fully explain the disgust I had for myself. No matter what I tried, I felt dirty and so low. I have learned that the abuse was NOT my fault, and I am not the hideous things that happened to me, but at that moment, I felt it to my core.
That conversation
I remember this day so clearly, and it burned into my mind. I was sitting on the porch swing with my mother. She was telling me that Jesus loved me, and he wanted me to return to Him.
I sat there and was angry that she even brought it up and “ruined” our conversation. I was quiet and didn’t speak for a long time, then I turned and looked at her and said, “I have too much hate in my heart. There is no room for Jesus.” My heart cries that I actually said that!
I am so embarrassed that this was my thought, and I spoke those words out loud. I am repeating this conversation because I know someone has been hurt or wronged and is angry, maybe even mad at God. I just want to hug them and say, “It does not have to be this way.”
My Return to the Lord
I stayed mad for a long time. I wasted precious days away from the Lord and did not enjoy His love. My sister helped me to return to Him. She had started going to a new church and was seriously nagging me every Friday to go to church with her on the weekend.
I kept making excuses, and finally, I told her I would go ONE time, and if I went, do not ask me again! That night changed my heart. I honestly do not remember a word that was spoken.
I cried from the moment I walked through the door. The 1st song came on, and I just cried and cried. My sister held my hand and cried with me.
I felt Jesus reach out to my heart that night and hold me close. I felt like the one lost sheep that had wandered away. Jesus left the ninety-nine to find me and carry me home. See Luke 15:3-7
There were ninety and nine that safely lay In the shelter of the fold. But one was out on the hills away, Far off from the gates of gold. Away on the mountains, wild and bare. Away from the tender Shepherd's care. Away from the tender Shepherd's care
Today there is no hate in my heart.
Today as I write this, I am so broken-hearted that I said those words and hurt our Precious Jesus. I love Him so much, and I think He used everything and everyone in my life to bring me back.
If you are hurting due to abuse or betrayal, God did not do that to you. He loves you so much that He sent Jesus to die for you. Please don’t give up on Him. Life is so much better when Jesus is beside you.
I know this from my life experiences. I do not know how I survived on my own. I really wasn’t, you see. He was still there, waiting for me to turn back around.
My pain continues, but God is Greater!
My life has not been easy since I remembered the abuse. I relive it all the time, I can be straightening my apartment, and a flashback hits me, and I see things that no one should ever witness. It is easier to stop and cry out to the Lord to take it away from me.
I feel like I can go on because He holds me when I wake from a nightmare at night. I can’t promise that the pain will go, but it is endurable with Jesus guiding you.
Something good can come from your pain. You could write a blog someday to touch others and help them return to their True Love. I pray it reaches you.
